Trying to be a Brother

After a drive that seemed much too long we arrived in the middle of the night. It was a great feeling to be back, despite not knowing the area well I still felt like I was home.  Maybe there really is something to that saying about home being where the heart is.

As thrilled as I was to see my family again, and especially my brothers and sisters, I find myself at a little bit of a loss.  I don't know how to be anyone's brother.  I can pull off being a son, perhaps not very well given my past experience, but I have the general idea.  I can pull off being an uncle.  I feel like I am a pretty decent father, and being an uncle is like being a father without the same level of responsibility.   I have no experience being a brother and therefore no idea if I am doing it "right".

I didn't wish for siblings all the time when I was a child.  When I did I wanted a sister, but that was primarily when I was older.  I have a horrible track record of maintaining relationships with women.  I tend to push too hard because I believe they are going to leave.  I have often created what I was afraid of by pushing.  It took me a long time to figure it out, but I now believe that this problem goes back to my adoption related abandonment issues.

So, when I was wishing I had a sister what I was really wishing for was a surrogate mother.  Now that I find myself with not one but two sisters I also have an actual mother to fill that role that was empty for me for so long.  I've also finally managed to identify why I've had so many problems maintaining relationships with women over the years.  I'm speaking here of both romantic relationships and friendships.

So, given my terrible track record combined with the fact that I have no idea how to be anyone's brother, I'm worried I'll push too hard trying to build a relationship with my sisters and end up pushing them away instead.   This is another one of those issues where I have no frame of reference, I don't know how much is too much or too little from a brother.  This is the kind of thing one is supposed to learn over a lifetime,  not try and figure out as an adult.

I wouldn't trade this experience for the world, but every time I turn around there is another issue banging me on the head and demanding my attention.   They are often unexpected and may seem strange to an outsider.  It may well be easy to ask "what do you mean you do know how to be someone's brother?" If you are one and have been since childhood.  It is very different to have it thrust upon you in adulthood with only a single chance to get it right.

Lesson of the week, nothing is ever as easy or straight forward as it seems from the outside.