My "Father"

So, I suppose I am not enough of a glutton for punishment.  About two weeks ago I sent a letter to my biological “father”.  I’ve known who he is since I first started direct contact with my mom; it was one of the first things we talked about.  Once I had his name and approximate age he was easy to find since he is still living in the same town he was in back in 1972.  Originally I planned not to contact him, but as time went on and my relationship with my mom and family grew I decided I would probably regret it later if I didn’t give the guy a chance.  So, I sent the letter.

Mom and I talked at length about him and I told her before I sent the letter that I was thinking about it.  We talked about him again then, and whether or not sending him a letter was the right thing to do.  In the end I decided to do it.  I was not expecting a lot based on what she told me about him.  He treated her like crap back in 1972, lied to her, tricked her, and even pretended that they were going to get married (and that was before she was pregnant).  When he found out she was pregnant he was not supportive at all and was in favor of her giving me up for adoption.  He had been married previously and had a child with his ex-wife, but when they divorced he signed his parental rights to that child away.  The guy was a real winner.  In my experience people don’t change.  There are exceptions every once in a while, the ones that prove the rule, but generally people stay the same.  So, I was not hopeful, but in 43 years anything is possible.  I put the ball in his court.

Well, two weeks later and nothing.  I’m not surprised; I didn’t have a lot of hopes or dreams riding on this guy having seen the light.  It would be nice if he had, but it was not expected.  Mom and I talked about him again and the letter I sent and she asked me if I minded if she called him.  I didn’t mind at all so she did.  Well, he got the letter, so at least we know he hasn’t become the best guy in the world over the last four decades and the postal service just lost the letter.  He didn’t say one way or the other if he was going to answer it, but she didn’t think he would based on his attitude.  He claimed to just be a “regular guy” and said he didn’t really have anything to tell me about his life.  He didn’t so much as apologize for how he treated her in 1972; he just blamed everything he did on PTSD from his experiences in the Vietnam War.  I certainly don’t discount the effects of PTSD, I have some experience there myself, but it’s not a blanket excuse to treat people like crap.

So, I don’t expect to hear from him.  Based on what he said, and didn’t say to my mom, I think that is probably for the best.  Now I won’t have to wonder if I made a mistake not giving him a chance and I won’t have to deal with him as it doesn’t appear he is going to take the chance I offered.  I guess that makes it a “win-win”.  Well, except that I get rejected by my “father” again. 

The man that should have been my father found several letters to the editor that my actual “father” wrote to his local paper in the last couple of years.  Let’s just say that the man has an interesting take on the geopolitical situation that does not appear to be based on either research or firsthand experience.  For that matter it doesn’t appear to be based on reality.  It’s really too bad he doesn’t use a computer (information he reported to my mom in their phone conversation) because he would be great at manufacturing memes for Facebook that contain no actual facts at all but still generate fierce debates between two equally ignorant sides.  He really has missed his calling, letters to the editor are so 1994, almost no one reads the actual paper anymore.

This hero among men didn’t have any more children after me (that he knows of) although he is married (to an obviously very lucky woman).  So, I have no additional siblings out there so far as can be determined.  His daughter would probably be 45 or 46 now, but we don’t have any information on her so it would likely be very difficult to track her down.  Given his obvious love of his children I am sure he would be of no help even if we were in contact.  There is always the Ancestry.Com DNA database.  I may look into that someday if I ever have a job where I make anything like real money. 

So yeah, the “father” appears to still be the same jerk he always was, but at least I know.