Family doesn't become family because a court orders it or the state fakes some records...

There is a general narrative in the United States when it comes to adoption.  It goes something like this:

Natural Parents want their privacy, once they do their “duty” and “gift” their child they are out of the picture and are never to be thought of again.  They are promised privacy when relinquishing their child and that must be respected above all other considerations.  The only exception to this rule is in the case of open adoptions which almost no one is really comfortable with no matter what they might say. 

Adoptive parents are saints; they take on the children of others and love them as their own.  They are totally selfless and are to be exalted.  Their primary job is to provide a “better life” for the children they adopt than the natural parents could ever hope to provide.  As such, if a conflict ever arises between the natural parents and the adoptive parents as to who has the right to parent the child the media and society will always side with the adoptive parents.

Adoptees have a very limited role in the accepted narrative.  We are supposed to make as little fuss as possible and be grateful for being adopted.  Our primary purpose is to reinforce the narrative: adoption is always good, always leads to a better life, and we are always grateful for it.  We are not supposed to show any interest in our natural families and always affirm our adoptive parents as our “real parents” whenever some clod feels the need to poke that particular sore spot looking to validate their own myopic ideas.

There is only one tiny problem with the adoption narrative as propagated in the United States, its complete crap. 

Is that a bold statement?  Not really.  While there may be a handful of natural parents out there who wanted their privacy they were never and could never be promised it.  The nature of court proceedings in adoption cases prevents any sort of guarantee of privacy since parental rights have to be terminated long before records are sealed with a final order of adoption.  If no adoption happens, no records are sealed, and no privacy exists. Furthermore the ownership of human beings is illegal; therefore the gifting of human beings is also illegal.  One cannot make a gift of something one does now own.  Using words like “gift” when talking about the pain associated with removing an infant from his mother is a disservice to everyone except the adoption industry that has turned infants into a commodity.

The idea that adoptive parents are somehow “better” than natural parents is laughable.  They are human, and like all other humans are prone to the same strengths and weaknesses as the rest of us.  Adoptive parents, like any other class of parents, still have those in their ranks that are abusive, neglectful, have mental disorders, get divorced, suffer financial setbacks, and die.  Nothing about adoptive parents makes them inherently better.  In order to adopt a child these days one has to have access to a lot of resources, but having resources is not the key to good parenting any more than the lack of resources is a sign of an inability to parent. 

Adoptees are expected to be grateful and feel lucky for having a “better life”.  The thing is we have no way of knowing if our lives are better or worse, we only know they are different.  Different and better are not synonyms.  As for being grateful, it is hard to feel grateful for being adopted when the reason one was available for adoption was that one was abandoned.  It’s never sold to the public that way of course, but that is how it feels.  For many of us adoptive parents can never provide exactly what we need, even if they are fantastic.  It isn’t their fault (if they are of the fantastic variety), it is likely that no one but the natural parents can.  Family isn’t family because a court says it is, or the state makes up some records.  The attachment has to be there.  If it isn’t, no amount of wishing for it will make it appear. 

We as a society have made adoption about finding babies for people who can’t have them the “old fashioned way” rather than about finding homes for children who need them.  In the huge majority of cases adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I think it does more harm than good, both to the parents and the children.  There are exceptions of course, some people simply cannot care for children and never will be able to or they are dangerous and would be a threat to their children.  For them, adoption probably is the right path, but they are a small minority.  We should be looking for ways to keep mothers and babies together; not trying to separate them so well off people can keep the industry going.  If those well off people truly want to parent there are plenty of children in foster care that desperately need permanent homes.

Well, it’s probably time to stop beating this particular dead horse for the night…