Taking a trip

I haven't yet written about my first visit to my mom's where I met all my brothers and sisters.  I need to do that, it is very important and something I want to get down.  I'm tired tonight though and want to get to bed, so tonight isn't the night. 

I'm going again on Friday, but this time I'm taking my whole family with me.  They haven't met any of my brothers and sisters or their children, so this will be the visit for it.  Perhaps it will all start to seem real then, I hope so.  The last six months have had a very dreamlike quality; I keep expecting to wake up and discover I still only have a mother who prefers poodles over me.  Speaking of the poodle woman I really should respond to the email she sent me a few days ago before she starts complaining about my lack of a response.  Sometimes it is very hard to maintain the required calm when dealing with her, especially now.

I'm very glad my children are going to be meeting their aunts, uncles, and cousins from my side of the family.  They have known my wife's since birth, but until six months ago I didn't have anyone on my side for them to know.  This provides another sand trap on the road that is adoption.  I am thrilled that my kids get to meet my side of the family and have always known my wife's.  I'm happy that my wife gets to meet them, and happy she has her own as well.  I don't even have the words to describe how it has changed my life to have all these people come into it and be so accepting of me.  However, because I don't know anyone who has had this experience or who has had an experience similar to mine prior, I don't know anyone who really understands.  That isn't to say I want my kids to understand how hard it is to never fit in anywhere no matter how much "family" might be around.  I don't what them to ever experience that.  Happily, they are growing up with their real family and shouldn't ever know what it is like to be the single round peg in a family of square pegs living in a square house.

The problem, of course, is that I don't have anyone that really understands the impact this had and is still having on me.  I can't really explain it, it is something that has to be felt, and I have no one who can feel it with me.  So I try, very poorly, to write about it.  This is why when I left last time I felt like I was leaving home rather than going home.  It is why I am sure I will feel that way again when it is time to leave.  It is also why I feel constantly out of place here, not just some of the time as I did before this started, but all the time.  More feelings I can't describe because I haven't had them before.  It is all very difficult to explain.  As tired as I am I should stop trying for now...