I was talking to my sister last night. We covered a number of subjects, but like most of our conversations it was mostly about how we feel. My counselor really is right, despite the fact that I like to think of myself as a logical person driven by reason I really am more emotional than I give myself credit for (or want to admit most of the time).
Anyway, we were talking about my experience growing up and how I never really felt like I belonged where I was. I won't rehash it all here because much of it I have already gone into in detail in previous posts. However, she said something to me that really made my night. I don't know if that was her intention or if she was just expressing how she felt and it happened to make might night, but either way, it did the trick. Having a feeling of belonging, and even more importantly, feeling wanted are very necessary for me. She gave me both with this (sorry if it is a little out of context, it should still make sense): "I'm glad you have some place to belong now, I'm glad you're ours now".
I've been struggling for a while now with this feeling that they couldn't possibly want me in their lives. That isn't because of anything any of them have said or done but because of my own issues. That simple comment made me feel like I really was wanted and my presence had value.
The joy of being adopted, much reassurance needed.
I'm leaving Thursday night for a visit out there. As usual I'm very excited and I can't wait. At the same time I know when the visit is over (I come back Monday morning) I'll spend the next two weeks at least extremely depressed. All I'll want to do is go back and I will think about little else. It is a fantastic cycle. I wouldn't trade these visits for anything (well, except a move there), but the crash when I get home is not fun for anyone.
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