Another Family Visit

I went to visit my family again this past weekend.  It was, as usual, a great time and way too short.  I have a ticket already to go back for Thanksgiving but that seems very far away.  I’m hoping to be able to take the twins with me but I don’t know yet whether or not that will be possible.  I’d like to take my whole family with me but work and school schedules won’t allow for that.  This will be my first holiday as part of my own big family.  Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I really would like to share it with all of the important people in my life.  It would be really great if there was some way to get my wife and all three of my children out there with me.  Maybe that long lost relative I don’t know about will come through with the inheritance, but I’m not holding my breath. 

My mom and I had a couple of very good conversations while I was out there.  We felt connected right away (I think I can speak for her when I say that) but the better we have gotten to know each other the more easily the information has flowed back and forth.  I don’t know how it was for her but for me it wasn’t an easy process.  I’ve never been in a position before where I felt comfortable sharing anything of substance with my mother.  Of course in the past my mother was always my adoptive mother and I always regretted it any time I tried to tell her anything meaningful. 

I know our reunion is somewhat unusual in that it has been so successful.  I’m very grateful for that and I feel like a lot of the reason for it is the fact that she has always been so open with me about everything.  That trend continued this past weekend.  She gave me copies of some journal entries she wrote from around the time I was born (1973) and running for about three years.  I never doubted her version of events as she had related them to me previously but there is something about reading about them “as they happen” that really drove them home.  If I had any doubts I wouldn’t have after reading what she wrote at the time it was going on.  There was so much pain and sadness in those pages I could almost feel it myself.  As I read I wished over and over again that I could go back in time and tell my much younger mother that it was all going to work out in the end.  I’ve always been one of those people who thinks of himself as basically invisible.  I had to keep reminding myself as I read that the person my mom kept referring to as her “baby” and “son” in the journal was me.  It simply didn’t seem real to me that anyone could spend that much time thinking about me, let alone be so devastated over losing me. 

As seems to be the norm for one of these visits I kept noticing things about me that are similar to other members of the family.  It is still all so strange to me and yet some of it is so obvious that it can’t be anything other than biology.  I suppose there will come a day when it isn’t something I even notice anymore but I don’t expect that day to be anytime soon.  I seem to be inserting myself into the family dynamics a little bit more.  I spent more time bonding with my niece and nephew.  In this case bonding involved me being bonded; they tied me up with Scotch tape and pushed me around in a desk chair.  I had a couple of great conversations with my sister (their mom) and she made my favorite cupcakes from childhood (which were apparently also her husband’s favorite).  I think I accidentally upset my brother.  Both of us unfortunately have gotten to see a lot of people die; me due to my law enforcement career and him due to being in combat.  Somehow we got onto that subject and specifically the very distinctive breathing noise people with serious head injuries make (if you don’t know it be grateful).  No one I have heard making the noise has lived.  For some reason I decided to mimic the noise and he just turned and walked away without a word.  Different methods of coping and different experiences make for different reactions.  I had no intention of bringing up something uncomfortable for him, but we are still getting to know each other and I suppose missteps are bound to happen.  Overall it was a great visit though.  I’m still learning how to be part of a family.  Every time I go there I learn a little bit more. 

Since I’ve been back I’ve been down as usual but it hasn’t been as bad as it was with past visits.  That, at least, is a good sign.  Maybe I’m starting to accept at least a little bit that I really am part of the family.  I still have my moments to be sure but it isn’t constant.  Perhaps the counseling is helping, though my counselor is on vacation this week so I haven’t gotten to see him since I got back and that really hasn’t helped matters.  I certainly don’t fault the man for taking a vacation; it is always going to be a bad time for someone. 

Overall I’d say I feel a little more positive right now.  I wish I could have all “my people” close together so I didn’t have to feel like I was choosing between spending time with one set or the other.  That will be especially hard over holidays where I am going to feel split and out of sorts no matter where I am unless everyone is together.  Adoption really is the gift that keeps on giving.