I haven’t written anything in a while. That isn’t because I was suddenly “cured” of
my various issues; I just didn’t have anything new to say. I’m not sure I have anything new now but I
still feel like it is time to write something.
The last couple of days have been hard, not for any particular reason
that I can identify, but hard all the same.
Perhaps it is because my birthday is approaching, perhaps because I hate
the winter, perhaps because the holidays are over, or perhaps some of all of
that. Maybe someone knows but I sure don’t.
I did come to something of a realization recently. I hate having my picture taken, I hate
looking at pictures with me in them, and when I am forced to take a picture in
a group I always try and work my way into the back so I cannot be seen as well. I also hate mirrors and seeing myself in
them. I’ve always felt that way, at
least as well as I can remember, but I have never really thought about
why. I don’t know for sure that any of
these issues have anything to do with adoption but based on some reading I have
done I believe it is a possibility. I
think I am ashamed that I exist and therefore don’t want records of my existence
created through photographs or to be reminded of it when I look in a
mirror. This is probably something I should
discuss in counseling; now that it has occurred to me perhaps I will bring it
up.
There is more, but right now it just seems too much like
whining. There are plenty of people much
worse off than I am so I think I have whined enough for now. I should be doing homework anyway.
Dear Landric, just to say I have just listened to your story on 'adoptees on' and it spoke to me on so many levels. I too grew up in a family neither bad nor great, though I was adopted to fulfil their needs not mine, I had everything I could materially want but nothing I needed emotionally. I was found by my mum (July 2015) and have 3 younger siblings, though I was brought up with an adopted younger brother. So much of what you said with regards to your upbringing and relationship with your adopted parents, your feelings on being contacted by your mum, and subsequent reunion, your relationships with your siblings, your realisation that adoption had affected you with out you knowing it. (I used to almost wear my adoption like a badge to prove that I was unaffected by it, which I now realise was a symptom of how much I was affected by it :)). It was like listening to someone read my story. Thank you for letting a 48 year old female in England know for the first time that some one out there not only knows what it feels like to be an adoptee, but has such a similar experience. PS Happy birthday for this weekend, mine's Feb 18th.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad my story was meaningful to you. I never expected to be telling it, but somehow it just seemed right. Have you considered contacting Haley at Adopteeson and seeing if she would like to interview you? I'd like to hear your story, especially since it is so much like mine. So far I am the only adoptee found by their natural family instead of the other way around.
DeleteLandric, I found your blog after listening to your adopteeson interview. I feel the exact same way about mirrors and pictures. I can tell you the day I started to feel that way. It was the day my first son left the hospital with a social worker to be taken to his adoptive family. I spent time holding my son looking in the mirror telling myself that I was too ugly to raise a child. After hearing for months how if I loved him I would give him away and that it would be in his best interest. Yes, isn't adoption fun? And yes, I am being sarcastic.
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