Little Things

I was watching a movie recently where a guy around my age was taking his son, about the age of my twin sons, to see his newborn sister.  He said something to the effect of "Come on bud; let’s go meet your sister".  I started tearing up when he said it.  My two sisters were 34 and 31 when I met them.  I wasn't there to meet them when they were born thanks to adoption.  I'm nearly nine years older than the older of my two sisters; I would have clear memories of both of them being born if I had been around.

Something is always creeping up on me like this.  It is usually in the form of something pretty innocuous like the movie I was watching recently.  There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to what sets me off and what doesn’t.  Likely that means it is more dependent on my mood than on the specific things that get me going.

I was out visiting my family again last weekend.  As usual it was a great visit.  As usual, leaving was very hard.  My mom found a picture recently of her with my biological father and she gave it to me.  I don’t suppose a lot of adoptees get to see pictures of their natural parents together and I am glad I was able to see it.  So far as she knows it is the only such picture in existence.  I was struck by how much she looked then like my oldest sister does now.  I suppose such things are not surprising to most people, but most people don’t spend the lion’s share of their lives without any contact with biological relations.  I wonder how long it will be before I start taking these similarities for granted?

I spent most of Friday with my oldest sister.  I felt like we had a great time and I think she did as well.  It was nice getting to know her a little better.  I still have no idea how to be anyone’s brother but perhaps I am starting to learn a little bit.  We celebrated her birthday, her son’s birthday, and our other sister’s birthday on Saturday night.  So, I didn’t miss those celebrations like I did the last set.  I was very happy to be there for them.  I spent most of Sunday afternoon playing outside with a niece and nephew and think I managed to bond with them a little bit more in the process.  As much as I enjoy my time with all of them I still have no idea how to act most of the time.  Awkwardness, the story of my life…

My Adoptees On Interview

The little black monster

My youngest sister turned 32 on Saturday.  Much like the last set of birthdays this marked the 32nd time I've missed it.  I've been trying not to dwell on all I have missed, and continue to miss, since there is nothing to be done about the past. It works for a while, then hits me out of nowhere.  I suppose that is an improvement of sorts but it doesn't feel that way when it hits me unexpectedly.

On Saturday night we went to my wife's mother's house for dinner and such.  I was having a pretty good day for me, especially considering it was my sister's birthday.  Most of my wife's siblings were there so I got to see a little bit of what might have been for me.  It got me wondering if I will ever have that sort of relationship with my siblings.  They have been nothing but accepting of me and the things we have in common are almost spooky.  However, we lack that shared experience my wife and her siblings have.  As much as people like to say it there is no making up for lost time, only making the best of the time one has.

So, the little black monster that rears its head all too often decided to hit me again just as we were leaving.   My wife noticed my mood had shifted suddenly and asked me what was wrong.  My response was "the same thing that is always wrong".  She said "But you were fine inside".  Yes, I was and now I'm not.   It happens without warning.

Adoption, the gift that keeps on giving...