Little Things

I was watching a movie recently where a guy around my age was taking his son, about the age of my twin sons, to see his newborn sister.  He said something to the effect of "Come on bud; let’s go meet your sister".  I started tearing up when he said it.  My two sisters were 34 and 31 when I met them.  I wasn't there to meet them when they were born thanks to adoption.  I'm nearly nine years older than the older of my two sisters; I would have clear memories of both of them being born if I had been around.

Something is always creeping up on me like this.  It is usually in the form of something pretty innocuous like the movie I was watching recently.  There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to what sets me off and what doesn’t.  Likely that means it is more dependent on my mood than on the specific things that get me going.

I was out visiting my family again last weekend.  As usual it was a great visit.  As usual, leaving was very hard.  My mom found a picture recently of her with my biological father and she gave it to me.  I don’t suppose a lot of adoptees get to see pictures of their natural parents together and I am glad I was able to see it.  So far as she knows it is the only such picture in existence.  I was struck by how much she looked then like my oldest sister does now.  I suppose such things are not surprising to most people, but most people don’t spend the lion’s share of their lives without any contact with biological relations.  I wonder how long it will be before I start taking these similarities for granted?

I spent most of Friday with my oldest sister.  I felt like we had a great time and I think she did as well.  It was nice getting to know her a little better.  I still have no idea how to be anyone’s brother but perhaps I am starting to learn a little bit.  We celebrated her birthday, her son’s birthday, and our other sister’s birthday on Saturday night.  So, I didn’t miss those celebrations like I did the last set.  I was very happy to be there for them.  I spent most of Sunday afternoon playing outside with a niece and nephew and think I managed to bond with them a little bit more in the process.  As much as I enjoy my time with all of them I still have no idea how to act most of the time.  Awkwardness, the story of my life…

My Adoptees On Interview

The little black monster

My youngest sister turned 32 on Saturday.  Much like the last set of birthdays this marked the 32nd time I've missed it.  I've been trying not to dwell on all I have missed, and continue to miss, since there is nothing to be done about the past. It works for a while, then hits me out of nowhere.  I suppose that is an improvement of sorts but it doesn't feel that way when it hits me unexpectedly.

On Saturday night we went to my wife's mother's house for dinner and such.  I was having a pretty good day for me, especially considering it was my sister's birthday.  Most of my wife's siblings were there so I got to see a little bit of what might have been for me.  It got me wondering if I will ever have that sort of relationship with my siblings.  They have been nothing but accepting of me and the things we have in common are almost spooky.  However, we lack that shared experience my wife and her siblings have.  As much as people like to say it there is no making up for lost time, only making the best of the time one has.

So, the little black monster that rears its head all too often decided to hit me again just as we were leaving.   My wife noticed my mood had shifted suddenly and asked me what was wrong.  My response was "the same thing that is always wrong".  She said "But you were fine inside".  Yes, I was and now I'm not.   It happens without warning.

Adoption, the gift that keeps on giving...

Pearl Jam - Just Breathe

The right idea, the video is a bit strange but the idea is right on...

Special Occasions

I haven’t updated in a while.  That is primarily because nothing has really changed but also because I just haven’t wanted to think about it anymore than I have been already. I’m going to counseling every week.  It seems to be helping at least a little bit but it will be a long road.  There are days, and this last weekend was full of them, that I feel like I’m never going to feel better about this.  There are so many experiences lost and so much time I can never get back.  One of the many ugly truths about adoption is for an adopted person happy events are almost always sad also.  When a happy event makes me sad it brings with it another feeling of isolation from everyone else. 

This past weekend my family celebrated the birthdays of one of my brothers and one of my nieces.  I wasn’t there.  I sent cards, gifts, and birthday wishes and I know they were appreciated.  What I really wanted was to be part of it.  I know it isn’t uncommon for people to miss a special occasion with family, especially when they are adults and have responsibilities.  It is uncommon however; no it is unnatural to miss every special occasion.  My brother tuned 28 last week, and it marked the 28^th time I’ve missed his birthday.  My niece turns nine this coming Saturday but the celebration was combined with my brother’s; necessary with all the family members and birthdays.  This coming Saturday will mark the 9^th time I’ve missed her birthday.  I don’t know what to do with that.  Family was really never important to me, outside my wife and children, until I had a real extended family of my own.  Now it, and the loss surrounding it, is the focus of my life.

I’m taking the younger boys out there for Thanksgiving.  This will be the first major holiday I spend with my family and I’m more than a little concerned about the impact it will have on me.  Will it simply be happy?  Will it be happy and sad at the same time?  Will the weight of all the missed Thanksgivings of the past try and crush me?  I don’t know. 

I’ve been distant from my wife and children for several months now.  I’m sad a lot and short tempered with all of them and I hate that I am being that way.  I can’t seem to stop it though.  I don’t ever want them to feel like they are not important to me but I fear I have been doing just that.  I suppose I could be called lucky having made it as far in life as I have never having felt anything like this before.  The problem with that, of course, is I have no experience dealing with it.  As such I end up taking it out on the people closest to me, and the least deserving of getting that treatment from me. 

I was hoping going back to work today would at least take my mind away from everything for a while.  I t didn’t work today, though often it does.  That made for a difficult day, trying to hold it together and get work done isn’t easy.  At least I have a meeting with the counselor tomorrow after work, I need it.

How I hate being adopted…

Yep...