Thursday, September 29, 2016
Monday, September 12, 2016
Special Occasions
I haven’t updated in a while. That is primarily because nothing has really
changed but also because I just haven’t wanted to think about it anymore than I
have been already. I’m going to counseling every week. It seems to be helping at least a little bit
but it will be a long road. There are
days, and this last weekend was full of them, that I feel like I’m never going
to feel better about this. There are so
many experiences lost and so much time I can never get back. One of the many ugly truths about adoption is
for an adopted person happy events are almost always sad also. When a happy event makes me sad it brings
with it another feeling of isolation from everyone else.
This past weekend my family celebrated the
birthdays of one of my brothers and one of my nieces. I wasn’t there. I sent cards, gifts, and birthday wishes and
I know they were appreciated. What I
really wanted was to be part of it. I
know it isn’t uncommon for people to miss a special occasion with family,
especially when they are adults and have responsibilities. It is uncommon however; no it is unnatural to
miss every special occasion. My brother
tuned 28 last week, and it marked the 28th time I’ve missed his
birthday. My niece turns nine this
coming Saturday but the celebration was combined with my brother’s; necessary
with all the family members and birthdays.
This coming Saturday will mark the 9th time I’ve missed her
birthday. I don’t know what to do with
that. Family was really never important
to me, outside my wife and children, until I had a real extended family of my
own. Now it, and the loss surrounding
it, is the focus of my life.
I’m taking the younger boys out there for
Thanksgiving. This will be the first
major holiday I spend with my family and I’m more than a little concerned about
the impact it will have on me. Will it
simply be happy? Will it be happy and
sad at the same time? Will the weight of
all the missed Thanksgivings of the past try and crush me? I don’t know.
I’ve been distant from my wife and children for
several months now. I’m sad a lot and
short tempered with all of them and I hate that I am being that way. I can’t seem to stop it though. I don’t ever want them to feel like they are
not important to me but I fear I have been doing just that. I suppose I could be called lucky having made
it as far in life as I have never having felt anything like this before. The problem with that, of course, is I have
no experience dealing with it. As such I
end up taking it out on the people closest to me, and the least deserving of
getting that treatment from me.
I was hoping going back to work today would at
least take my mind away from everything for a while. I t didn’t work today, though often it does. That made for a difficult day, trying to hold
it together and get work done isn’t easy.
At least I have a meeting with the counselor tomorrow after work, I need
it.
How I hate being adopted…
Friday, September 2, 2016
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